Ryan's Dive into '95 - Part Twelve (3/19-3/25)
The one with WCW Uncensored! Plus, Champion Carnival, blistering joshi action, and more!
If you haven’t read it already, please check out my introductory article that explains what this series is all about. As a reminder, footage is sourced from the Goodhelmet 1995 Yearbook, unless otherwise stated.
How ya now?
Last week gave us some ridiculously good matches, and we'll have more this week. However, the REAL highlight of the week is WCW Uncensored 1995, one of the most legendarily craptactular shows in the history of pre-determined underwear fighting. We’ll have some choice cuts from that one. Honestly, I’ve watched way too many good matches lately. It's time for crap!
Well, PITTER PATTER!
MARCH 19th
WCW Uncensored - Even though it's just after New Year's when this gets posted, I feel like it's Christmas again because I get to talk about THIS hilariously awful trainwreck of a show. The concept of WCW's newest addition to the PPV calendar is that the matches on this show are not sanctioned by World Championship Wrestling. This means that ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN! GRUDGES WILL BE SETTLED! The rulebook can FUCK RIGHT OFF! Or so we thought.
“King of The Road” Match: Dustin Rhodes vs. Blacktop Bully - Screw joshi, AAA trios matches, and the AJPW Pillars. THIS is peak professional wrestling. The idea of this match is that Bully (Barry Darsow, post-Demolition Smash and Repo Man) and Dustin wrestle in the hay-filled flatbed of a moving 18-wheeler, and whoever blares the horn at the front of the truck wins. No, this is not bonus material; the match was so utterly infamous that it made the original Yearbook compilation. Despite being advertised as live, this was very much pre-taped in advance.
Dustin immediately climbs for the horn while Bully stumbles around like a baby deer learning to walk before eventually stopping Dustin's ascent with a shot to the wiener. They stumble around the hay as we get footage from the WCW HELICOPTER of the “match”.
Bully climbs to blow the horn, but Dustin stops him with a fence post, then a piledriver onto the deadly hay. BALE OF HAY to Bully! Both guys stumble around and play around in the hay for a while. That's pretty much the whole match, with the occasional excitement of the truck turning and stopping. Dustin splashes Bully with WATER (or gasoline, as speculated by the announcers). The driver RUNS A STOP SIGN, so this match is not only a crime against wrestling, but it actually breaks traffic law. Bully climbs for the horn, but the truck slows down, and Bully eats shit (or hay) as a result. More alleged brawling happens.
Both guys blade during this match, which was very much VERBOTEN in WCW at this time. As a result, we get a lot of zany editing, alternate camera angles, and wide shots galore, so you can't see shit. Because of the nonsensical editing, the match frequently changes between night and day like it's Castlevania II: Simon's Quest.
They continue fighting for the horn as the feed cuts in and out at times. Bully rakes the eyes and blares the horn for the win.
-*** - Hey, the first negative star match for The Dive! Yeah, this was ungodly bad, and I really can't blame the wrestlers here. They did what they could with what they were given, but the aggressively idiotic concept, production, and editing conspired to make this a complete dumpster fire. Sting vs. Tony Palmore won the Worst Match of the Year award from The Wrestling Observer, but this one is my personal pick. In a world without the scaffold match from Great American Bash ‘91, this may be in the conversation for worst PPV opener in history.
Oddly enough, according to people that were there during filming, the match went 20 minutes and was apparently GREAT?!? That seems a bit suspect as it would be pretty hard to have a compelling match when you're trying to not fall on your ass in a moving truck, but what do I know? Regardless, the match we ended up with was hacked to 13 minutes and full of terrible camera angles to get around the blood. They wanted to censor blood. On a show called “Uncensored”. Strap in, because this isn't the only time WCW would take a steaming coiler all over the very concept of the show.
As a result of the blading, Bully, Dustin, and agent Mike Graham (who, according to the Observer, not only instructed them to gig, but actually GAVE them the blades to do so) were all given their walking papers. Darsow would show back up in WCW under his real name in 1997, and Dustin…well, we’ll definitely see more of him much later in the year.
Next on the actual show would be the Martial Arts Match between “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Meng. I would maybe consider doing this as bonus material, but this review is going to be long enough as it is, so I’ll leave it off. Just know it sucks monumental ass.
We cut to Sam Losco Arn Anderson. He talks about being the TV champion while clips of him kicking ass play. Always a quality promo with Arn.
We then cut to “Iron” Mike Tenay, who is with “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Savage cuts his usual unhinged promo on Avalanche, even threatening to beat the crap out of Tenay.
We jump ahead to the finish of Randy Savage vs. Avalanche. Savage rolls out of the way of the butt splash, but Avalanche catches an axehandle and continues to work over Randy. Avalanche teases a second rope splash for a LOOOOONG time. I mean, you could have baked a soufflé in the time he was up there. Randy, in an unbelievable twist, manages to move out of the way.
Axhandle to the outside by Randy, but a “female” fan attacks Savage! She starts chopping away like Ric Flair…because it IS Ric Flair! In drag!
If that's the look Flair’s serving, he should prepare to lip-sync for his life. Ric and Avalanche batter Savage until Hulk Hogan comes out. Savage is awarded the match by disqualification. On a show sold on the concept of no disqualifications. WCW LIED TO ME, MAN! The full match is ass, by the way. About *-ish if I’m feeling generous.
We cut to Vader, who immediately shoves Mike Tenay away. Poor Mike is getting abused tonight. What did he ever do other than bring delicious snacks?
Vader cuts a promo on Hulk Hogan, then passes the mic to Ric Flair, who also cuts a promo on Hulk. Crazed Flair in makeup is quite the sight.
WCW World Heavyweight Championship Strap Match: Hulk Hogan (c) vs. Vader - This is the lame “touch the corners” variant. You would think WCW had gotten all the stupid out of their system by now on this show…
Read on, friends. Michael Buffer points out that the match is sanctioned by the Mississippi state athletic commission. Did no one brief him on the fact that IT'S UNCENSORED, BABY? In prior weeks, Hogan teased an “Ultimate Surprise” to help counteract Flair's presence at ringside. People took that verbiage to assume that The Ultimate Warrior was coming to WCW. However, WCW knew they couldn't deliver Warrior, so flat-out say that the Ultimate Surprise was some guy named “Renegade” so people won't bitch them out for false advertising.
Neither the mysterious Renegade nor Jimmy Hart are with Hogan at first. After a few minutes of stalling, we hear some Ultimate Warrior-esque music, and THE RENEGADE runs out to even the sides. The Wish.com Warrior stalks Flair down the aisle as Hogan and Vader brawl.
Hogan immediately rips off Vader's mask. OH MY GOD, IT'S LEON WHITE! Flair comes back to ringside as Hogan and Vader brawl in the ring. Hogan whips Vader with the strap, then whips Flair, who tries to interfere. Flair then tries to punch and chop Renegade, but he no-sells it and yells. Hogan and Vader tug-of-war with the strap. I'd rather lose the Tug of War from Squid Game than watch this match.
Vader Bomb to Hulk, but instead of going for the win, Vader chokes Hogan with the strap. Jimmy Hart, looking like he's been through it, comes out to ringside as Vader whips Hogan with the strap for some leather-on-leather impact. Vader goes to hit Hulk with a chair, but Jimmy stops him, leading to Hulk gently booping Vader with the chair a few times. We get a wide shot on one of them. On a show called “Uncensored”. Hogan rams Vader into the ring post a few times, then another wussy chairshot with a wide camera angle, lest young children watching the show snap into fits of gently caressing their family members with furniture. Back in, Hogan straps Vader and continues to dominate.
Vader us tossed, and we get more dull brawling as Renegade continues to stymie anything Flair tries to do. Hogan finally tries to win by touching the ringposts outside. Sure, why not? As long as we're trying to end the match. Vader puts a stop to that, and punches Renegade, who doesn't sell. For VADER. Back in, chokeslam and splash from Vader, but Hogan POPS UP after a vertical suplex. Boot and legdrop, and Hogan touches three turnbuckles, but a masked man runs out and hits Renegade with a chair. Hogan stops to address Masky McGee, leading to an assault from Flair and Vader. Flair places a chair under Hogan's head, and Vader attempts what would more accurately be known as a front roll off the second rope…but MISSES, and he lands on the chair!
Flair hits Hogan with a balsa-wood chair, but Hogan HULKS UP. Hogan whips the hell out of Flair, attaches the strap to HIM, and touches the four corners for the win. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ENDING?
-***1/2 - I said earlier that King of the Road was my worst match of the year, but I take that back. I actually hate this more. King of the Road was a conceptual and productional fever dream that severely hampered anything the wrestlers could have done, but this match was horribly plotted-out AND the effort from the wrestlers was abysmal. If Vader had a single shit to give, he left it in Colorado that day, and Hogan was…well, Hogan. Weak brawling throughout, too much bullshit from Flair and Renegade, and that ending…woof. I thought this was peak Hulkaverse bullshit, but it gets worse.
Post-match, the Masked Man comes out and joins Flair and Vader. However, Arn Anderson comes out TIED UP and wearing black clothes.
The REAL masked man in the ring then attacks Vader and Flair. He unmasks to reveal RANDY SAVAGE!
So that's a wrap on Uncensored. This was BRUTALLY bad, but in kind of a funny, brain-meltingly stupid way. If you want a cheap laugh, grab some adult beverages or other mood-altering substances and have at it. The very definition of a “Because WCW” show.
MARCH 20th
WWF Monday Night RAW - We start off with Bam Bam Bigelow taking out his rage on some innocent potato chips before shilling Slim Jims.
We then jump to Vince McMahon, who is with Razor Ramon and the 1-2-3 Kid. Razor is upset that Bob Backlund snuck his way into an Intercontinental title match with Jeff Jarrett, meaning his upcoming title match at WrestleMania may be in jeopardy.
We get some clips of WWF at Magic Johnson's “March Magic”, a benefit dinner and fundraiser for HIV/AIDS education. Legendary basketball men Pat Riley and Patrick Ewing were also there.
MARCH 21st
AJW Wrestling Queendom 1995 Success - This is the first match from AJW we have looked at since the first week, also featuring the same participants. This is the first of two Wrestling Queendom shows in 1995. AJW Wrestling Queendom 1995 Victory happened one week after this show, and we'll have some stuff from that show in the next review.
WWWA Tag Team Championship: Manami Toyota & Blizzard Yuki vs. Double Inoue (Kyoko Inoue & Takako Inoue) - I have a feeling this may be better than the WCW matches we saw earlier. This is the finals of a one-night tournament for the WWWA Tag Team Championship. The prior champs, Double Inoue, were the 99th champions, and they wanted to be the 100th champions as well, so they relinquished the belts. That's kinda badass. Blizzard Yuki is Sakie Hasegawa under the guise of a manga character.
Blizzard storms after Kyoko like some sort of weather event, but that doesn't go well, falling victim to a series of clotheslines. Both Inoues come in and DDT the crap out of Yuki, including a corner DDT from Kyoko, but Blizzard kicks out at two. Yuki makes the tag, but Manami is immediately trapped in a sleeper from Takako. Spinning Tombstone gets two! Kyoko comes in and it's GIANT SWING TIME! She rotates especially fast, too, so it looks even more violent.
Kyoko gets a roll-through surfboard, then Takako applies a NASTY torture crab hold.
Kyoko tags back in and counters a rolling pin into a powerbomb, then gets a Boston crab. Takako comes in and continues working over the back of Toyota. Kyoko checks back in and ducks Toyota's rebound crossbody as Double Inoue has had an answer to EVERYTHING, completely dominating the match…until Toyota kicks Kyoko off the top! Manami then follows up with a missile dropkick to the floor on both Inoues! That's always an insane move.
Back in, Toyota hits a moonsault for two. Electric chair/missile dropkick combo gets another two! Japanese Ocean Cyclone Suplex…but Takako makes the save at 2.99999999! The Inoues come back with a back elbow/electric chair combo, and a backdrop hold from Takako gets two. Takako gets a top rope slam for two. Flying knee to the head nets another two! Powerbomb/lariat combo…but Blizzard breaks it up! Powerbomb is countered by Toyota into a rollup for a close two! A series of NASTY uranages from Yuki on Kyoko, but Kyoko kicks out!
Top rope anklescissors from Kyoko…but Manami, knowing the dangers of that move, breaks up the pin! Top rope powerslam from Kyoko…but Yuki kicks out! Yuki and Toyota go for stereo top rope splashes…but miss! Simultaneous submissions from Double Inoue, but Yuki makes the ropes. Spinning back kick from Yuki gets a VERY close two! LARIAT from Kyoko gets a close two! Flying elbow from Kyoko, but Toyota breaks up the pin! Splash Mountain from Kyoko finally ends it! Double Inoue are the 100th WWWA Tag Team Champions!
After the match, Double Inoue are not only awarded the belts, but they get a couple of huge trophies, capes, and crowns! That's amazingly decadent.
****1/2 - This went under 15 minutes, but they packed a LOT in there. So many believable near-falls, and the whole match was worked at a ridiculously frenetic pace. I enjoyed the storytelling with the Inoues being determined to not eat humble pie after relinquishing the tag belts, dominating the entire first part of the match and proving to be the more resourceful team at the end. A couple of awkward moments here and there aside, but kudos to all four ladies for accomplishing this in everyone's third match of the evening.
JWP Joshi Puroresu - After last week's classic five-star brawl, we have something VERY different coming up.
Dead Heat: Mayumi Ozaki, Cutie Suzuki, Candy Okutsu & Sumiyo Toyama vs. Dynamite Kansai, Devil Masami, Hikari Fukuoka & Hiroumi Yagi - This is no mere atomicos match.
Basically, it's a series of 1-on-1 matches, each with a five-minute time limit. If the series ends in a draw, the match turns into a sudden-death eight-person tag match. Oh, and there are one-count pinfalls, not only for the singles matches, but for the tag portion if necessary. I may riff on the number of rules, but this should actually be very exciting. Kansai is sporting a bandage after nearly tapping an artery in last week's classic with Ozaki.
Kansai starts off with Sumiyo Toyama. Code of Honor is adhered to, but Kansai blasts Toyama with a lariat, ending Sumiyo's aspirations for an upset in 7 seconds! BEAST.
Cutie Suzuki enters the match to face Kansai. Big vertical suplex, but Suzuki kicks out before the one count. Kansai gets a sleeper, but Cutie makes the ropes. Kansai starts with the kicks and a HUGE piledriver, but Suzuki gets the shoulder up! After another sleeper, Suzuki gets some kicks, and reverses a backdrop driver into a pin attempt, but Kansai escapes! German suplex from Suzuki for a zero count, and Kansai intercepts a crossbody with a kick in mid-air! Splash Mountain is reversed into a pin! Cutie Suzuki eliminates Dynamite Kansai!
Devil Masami checks in and looks scary as hell. She stalks Suzuki around the ring, then hits an alley-oop style powerbomb! Quebradora, but Suzuki barely escapes the pin. Cross armbreaker, but Suzuki makes the ropes! Gorilla press slam from Masami! Powerbomb, but Suzuki escapes the pin! Top rope legdrop…misses! Missile dropkick from Suzuki, but Masami pops up and nails a lariat! Suzuki escapes the pin! Both ladies tumble out of the ring and brawl on the outside and into the crowd. Masami teases a press slam from high up, but Suzuki escapes and hits a flying knee to the arena floor! Suzuki tries to make it back to the ring, but Masami holds her back! Both women are counted out!
Candy Okutsu and Hiromi Yagi square off in the next 1-on-1 portion. Both ladies quickly go for flash pins until Yagi gets a Fujiwara armbar, but Candy makes the ropes. Okutsu hits a back suplex, but another one is countered into a legbar! Okutsu again makes the ropes. Okutsu hits a missile dropkick and a German suplex, but Yagi rolls out of the pin attempt. GIANT SWING from Okutsu results in a pin on Yagi!
Hikari Fukuoka is last in for her side. They fight over a collar-and-elbow tie-up before Candy takes over with a sleeper. Missile dropkick from Hikari misses, but Candy can't apply the giant swing! Missile dropkicks from Candy, then she follows up with a crossbody to the outside… which misses! She buggers up her leg in the process. Back in, moonsault from Fukuoka, but Okutsu escapes the pin! Another moonsault…misses, but an Okutsu splash finds knees! A long rolling cradle from Fukuoka wears down Okutsu for the pin!
It's down to Fukuoka and Mayumi Ozaki! Fukuoka starts fast against the fresh Ozaki. Boston crab, but Ozaki quickly grabs the ropes. Ozaki comes back with some hair tosses and an X-Factor! Fukuoka flips out of the corner and hits a big boot, then a handspring elbow in the opposite corner. Ozaki tries a front flip senton, but misses! Missile dropkicks and a moonsault from Fukuoka, but Ozaki escapes the pin attempt! We brawl into the crowd and out of view for a bit. Ozaki is slammed on the floor, and Fukuoka returns to the ring, hoping for a countout win, but Ozaki makes it back! Moonsault, but Ozaki moves out of the way and kicks Fukuoka on the face a few times. Powerbomb and backdrop hold from Ozaki, but can’t secure the one count! Front senton connects for another close pin! The five minute limit expires! We have a 2-2 draw, which means SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME!
Suzuki and Masami resume their hostilities to start. Suzuki gets double-teamed for a bit, then Toyama comes in and fares poorly against Yagi. Kansai kicks Toyama's head off for a bit. Boston crab is applied, which Toyama's teammates are unable to successfully break. Toyama is dragged back to Kansai's corner for more beatings. They take turns kicking and stretching poor Toyama for a while.
Toyama finally manages a Thesz Press and tags in Okutsu. DDT to Yagi, then a Boston crab. Suzuki checks in and applies a half-crab that her opponents try to break, but to no avail! Yagi is worked over for a bit by Ozaki until she gets a crossbody and tags Kansai back in! Oh shit! Dragon sleeper from Kansai, which Ozaki reverses into a Fujiwara armbar! DDT, then Okutsu checks back in for some clotheslines and DDTs for a pin attempt. She foolishly tries a giant swing on the much bigger Kansai, but it doesn't go well. Toyama comes in and hits some dropkicks, which Kansai no-sells. Artist’s interpretation below:
Kansai nails a MONSTER lariat, but Suzuki stops the pin attempt. Masami comes in, and Toyama's dropkicks are more effective this time, with four of them finally felling the beast. Suzuki comes in for a royal octopus hold, but Masami turns it into her own giant swing! Kansai, Yagi, and Fukuoka also hit THEIR own giant swings on Suzuki! Suzuki attempts a tag, but is cut off by Yagi, who applies a sleeper. Masami comes in and attempts a powerbomb, which Suzuki reverses into a pin attempt, then tags in Ozaki! Kansai is back in and they go hold-for-hold until Ozaki counters Splash Mountain with an armdrag! DDT, then Okutsu is tagged in…and immediately eats a lariat.
Fukuoka checks in, and a moonsault attempt is immediately thwarted by Ozaki. Rolling Germans, then Toyama comes in for a series of Russian leg sweeps and a CHOKESLAM! Fukuoka escapes another with a DDT. Yagi and Okutsu re-enter and slap each other for a bit before Yagi judo-throws Candy into oblivion. Top rope overhead suplex from Okutsu! Masami comes in and powerbombs Suzuki, but the pin is broken up! Everyone but Toyama comes in and German suplexes Masami several times! Top rope double stomps to Masami from everyone, including a tandem double stomps from Suzuki and Ozaki! The pin is broken up! In Masami's corner, she nails Okutsu with an overhead powerbomb! Fukuoka follows up with a moonsault! Top rope splash from Yagi, but the pin is broken up! Top rope judo throw from Yagi, but Okutsu bridges out! German attempt from Okutsu, but Yagi reverses, Kansai kicks Okutsu in the FACE, and Yagi hits the German for the one count and the win!
****1/2 - That was SUCH a fun match. The unique nature of one count pinfalls added so much drama and urgency to the match, as did the five-minute time limits to the one-on-one portions. Sure, some big moves netting zero counts may seem ridiculous, but it really didn't come off that way. The other competitors breaking up the pin attempts helped in that regard. The match had great storytelling, too! Ozaki’s team had a lot of pluck and fire, which they had to display against a mostly larger Kansai team. Again, this was worked at a very good clip, so it didn't feel like it overstayed its welcome despite lasting nearly 40 minutes. Excellent stuff!
AJPW Champion Carnival, Night One - Champion Carnival is AJPW's annual round robin tournament; basically, their version of the G1 Climax, but everyone is in a single block. With the 30-minute time limit for block matches, expect some more compact, faster-paced affairs.
Of note, this was originally slated to have 12 participants, but the field was reduced to 11 after Steve Williams was caught at the airport with painkillers, resulting in a one-year suspension from All Japan.
Toshiaki Kawada vs. Jun Akiyama - Welcome to The Dive, Jun Akiyama! He's looking young and fresh-faced here.
Akiyama starts off aggressively, jumping Kawada during the pre-match weapons check and nailing a dropkick. Dangerous K tries to fight back, but Jun nails him with a forearm, followed by a plancha! Akiyama lariats Kawada on the floor, then hits a crossbody to the floor! Holy hell! Back in, Kawada tries to fend off the assault with some kicks, but Akiyama rocks his shit with another forearm! Chops are traded as they stare each other down.
A NASTY slap from Kawada stuns Akiyama, then Kawada lands a STIFF kick to Akiyama's jaw. Fuuuuuuck! Akiyama continues to endure some absolutely horrific kicks from Dangerous K, trying to tough through it until a good one puts him down for a bit. Akiyama catches a kick, then HE kicks Kawada's back! We head outside where Akiyama nails Kawada with a forearm off the apron! Akiyama attempts a suplex on the bare wooden floor, but Kawada reverses to one of his own! Back in, Kawada punishes the impetuous youth with more kicks, a double stomp, and a nasty half-crab. LOUD chops from Kawada! Kawada then works in a brutal double-armbar.
Kawada releases and hits a forearm, then absolutely WRECKS Akiyama with a spinkick. Like, one of the kids in the 17th row almost caught Jun’s head like a home run ball. Moments later, Akiyama catches Kawada with a second-rope Northern Lights suplex for two! Release German from Akiyama gets a close two! Top rope forearm and a pair of EXPLODERS…but Kawada kicks out! The crowd is willing Akiyama on! Kawada gets a backhanded chop and a spinning heel kick! Stretch Plum, but Akiyama makes the ropes! Powerbomb from Kawada, but Akiyama bonks him on the head, so Kawada can't follow up with his folding pin!
They trade forearms and kicks until Kawada gets a lariat and a huge powerbomb…for two! Stretch Plum is locked back in, despite a couple of escape attempts, Akiyama finally gives it up!
****1/2 - Another strong match on March 21st, 1995. I loved Akiyama's aggression here, stepping up to his much more established foe and absolutely unloading on him. That first minute or so was insane. Nobody really expected Akiyama to go over here, but he took the fight to Kawada and absorbed a LOT of punishment. Both guys stiffed the hell out of each other here, and Kawada sold masterfully here. A great tournament opener for both guys.
Kenta Kobashi vs. Akira Taue - Holy Demon Red had a monster run in this tournament, so we'll see how that starts off as he takes on another Pillar in Kobashi.
After some lockups to start, Kobashi draws first blood with a huge shoulderblock and chops but misses a flying clothesline. Boots and chops are exchanged as it's a stalemate in the opening stages. Taue even scores with an armwringer into a hook kick, like the one Booker T did. After a bit, they exchange chops in the corner, with Kobashi piling them on and Taue shoving him down between flurries. Kobashi controls for a bit until Taue nails an enzuigiri!
After some chops, Kobashi takes back over with a spinkick to the guts and a legdrop on the back of Taue's head. BIG stalling suplex gets two. Moments later, Kobashi drags Taue outside and legdrops him onto the guardrail, when whips him into the railing. LOUD chop to the back of Taue's neck, but he kicks out. The match turns into a delightful slapfest as Taue is trying to get his shit together and gain the advantage, but Kobashi remains in the driver's seat. More brutal chops from Kobashi, but Taue gets a glancing blow from a spinkick. A couple of knees to the head allow Taue to regain the advantage. Now it's Taue's turn to chop the shit out of Kobashi! After chops are exchanged, Taue boots Kobashi right in the mush!
Snake eyes from Taue and some STIFF lariats get two for Taue. Taue hits a butterfly suplex and a flying elbow, then works on the knee when those moves don’t put Kobashi away. Taue kicks the crap out of Kobashi, but Kobashi rebounds with a lariat after being thrown into the turnbuckle! Leaping DDT from Kobashi buys him some time, then he blasts Taue with chops!
NODOWA OTOSHI…blocked! Tiger suplex…blocked! NODOWA CONNECTS…FOR TWO! Powerbomb gets two! Big boot misses, and Kobashi comes back with a falling clothesline! German from Kobashi for two! Jackknife Hold Powerbomb gets two! MOONSAULT…misses! On the outside, Kobashi misses a baseball slide dropkick, then Taue slams him into the guardrail. NODOWA OFF THE APRON TO THE DAMN FLOOR! After a bit, that gets a two-count in the ring. Another Nodowa Otoshi connects, but Kobashi rolls to the outside. POWERBOMB ON THE FLOOR! HOLY SHIT!
Taue tosses Kobashi back in, who gets a desperation chop, but Taue retorts by slapping the absolute taste out of his mouth! ANOTHER NODOWA, then Taue busts out the DYNAMIC BOMB (sitdown powerbomb) to put Kobashi away! After the match, Taue shows sportsmanship to Kobashi.
****3/4 - Another classic from the Pillars. This started off like a great stalemate from competitors that knew what to expect from each other, then Taue, fueled by his desire to put Kobashi away, knocks it up a notch and puts Kobashi on the defensive for most of the remainder of the match. The last several minutes with Taue unloading the clip to end Kobashi was fucking awesome. Kobashi did his part in making Taue look like an absolute killer. Some of the camera angles on the outside really added to the impact, making it look like Taue was powerbombing Kobashi into the ether.
Man, those last four matches certainly made up for Uncensored.
ECW Hardcore TV - To cap off a busy AF Tuesday, we have some fallout from ECW Extreme Warfare. First, we catch up with Terry Funk, who is laughing maniacally after his victory in the big tag match. He accepts a one-on-one match with Cactus Jack for April 15th. He may torture Jack, THEN kill him! Better yet, he may CASTRATE him, kill him, then torture him! Actually, no, Funk will castrate, kill, torture, then tie Jack to the back of his ‘55 Buick and drive down the main street of Philadelphia! If he had a face like Jack, he'd have it circumcised! He also doesn’t care much for Shane Douglas. God, Terry Funk is awesome.
We then cut to Cactus Jack, who takes issue with being called a “charlatan”, though he doesn't know what it means. He does not like his family, nor his credibility, being attacked and has NOTHING TO HIDE. He reveals his name as “Mick Foley” and he doesn't even know what New Mexico looks like! He's not really from Truth or Consequences? THIS GUY’S A BIG FAT PHONY!
He calls himself Cactus Jack because he EARNED IT! Jack references him and Funk wrestling on the upcoming Weekly Pro Wrestling Tokyo Dome show, and says he’ll leave just enough of Funk left for April 15th. He threatens to put Funk in a wheelchair for ALL ETERNITY. When Funk kisses his wife or says goodbye to his children, he will only see Jack’s face. Before Funk passes on, the last thing he will see is Jack. Holy hell, another incredible promo from Mick.
MARCH 25th
WWF Superstars - Jim Ross introduces Bret Hart, who is set to receive an award from the Japanese media. Jim brings up the accusations of racism against the Japanese from Jerry Lawler, which Hart refutes. Bret swears revenge against Lawler…but Hakushi and Shinja come out and accuse Hitman of hating Japan. Hakushi attacks Bret, ending with a moonsault off the interview platform! This set off the Hart/Hakushi feud that would see some high-level matches later on in the year. Weird racism angle aside, I wish they would have gone this direction with Bret for WrestleMania rather than the shitty Backlund match.
USWA Championship Wrestling - We're walkin’ in Memphis with Lance Russell and Wolfie D. He apparently went HAM on Tommy Rich and Doug Gilbert over the weekend because of what they did to JC Ice. Wolfie then introduces a neckbraced JC Ice, who is down, but NOT OUT. When he jerks that neckbrace off, WATCH OUT!
Wolfie then challenges his adversaries to a Piledriver Elimination match and introduces Bill Dundee as his partner. I may take shots about how often PG-13 and Gilbert/Rich faced each other, but the gates were apparently strong for the rivalry, so they were wise to keep milking what they could out of it.
Later on, Bill Dundee joins Lance Russell and brings up Tommy Rich securing a title match via his name being drawn from a fishbowl. Dundee tells us about Tommy Rich being the youngest NWA Champion in history. Rich comes out and rants about breaking Dundee's son’s neck and wanting the title. Rich goads Dundee into the ring, then immediately bails.
Smoky Mountain Wrestling - We join Jim Ross and Dirty White Boy, who is wearing a chain like somebody's dad doing low-tier Hercules Hernandez cosplay. He yells at Buddy Landell ahead of their chain match at Bluegrass Brawl. He left the chain sitting in rain and horse poop to increase the chances of Landell getting a nasty infection. Oddly enough, this won’t be the last time horse poo will figure into a wrestling angle in 1995.
Jim Ross is now with The Gangstas. We recap last week's announcement about The Undertaker coming in to face The Gangstas. New Jack sounds scared as hell as he promises to make everybody salute the Gangstas flag. New Jack assures us that Killer Kyle will take out Boo Bradley (who he calls the r-word, earning disgust from JR), then threatens Undertaker, Jim Cornette, and even JR.
Al Snow and Unabomb join Jim Ross at the interview station in lieu of the Rock ‘n Roll Express. Snow puts a black wig on the future idiot mayor, who does a bad impression of Robert Gibson. Snow puts on a blonde wig and rips on Ricky Morton. They roast Gibson's deaf mother and say that Robert Gibson is so cross-eyed that when he cries, the tears run down his back! OK, that one was pretty good. Snow pledges to end the Rock ‘n Roll Express. This is definitely a different Al Snow than the taciturn technician in the ECW match with Chris Benoit that we saw earlier this year.
WCW Saturday Night - And we cap off another busy week aboard The Mothership. We join Lord Steven Regal and Bobby Eaton outside of an English fine-dining restaurant. Not surprisingly, Regal is AGHAST at Eaton's attire.
Eaton, ever the uncouth American, blows his nose with the lap napkin, causing Regal to regret his life choices. Regal kills it as usual, and these guys have a fun dynamic.
We close out a nutty week with WCW Commissioner Nick Bockwinkel, who is joined by Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. They want Ric Flair REINSTATED so they can kick his ass IN THE RING, DUDE. Bockwinkel will take the MONSTERMANIACS’ request to the executive board for a vote, BROTHER.
Well, this was certainly a week of ups (all those banger matches and ECW promos from 3/21) and downs (WCW Uncensored in general). You can't say it was boring, though!
NEXT TIME: More Champion Carnival action, a couple of big matches from AJW Wrestling Queendom 1995 Victory, a rare appearance from WAR featuring a former WWF Heavyweight Champion, another chapter in the Bret vs. Owen rivalry, WrestleMania hype, and MORE!
Until next time, keep your feet on the ground, a song in your heart, and have a frank and productive new year.
See you again soon!