Ryan Navigates '90 - #33 (5/12)
Note to self: do NOT crack wise about Jimmy Valiant's mother.
Good day!
After the Family Feud side-trip, we're back on course with another Saturday special. We hear from Dusty Rhodes, Rick Rude, Lex Luger, and the Four Horsemen. Also, Jerry Lawler and Jimmy Valiant’s feud continues to escalate, and we get a new installment of the Chris Adams vs. Steve Austin rivalry.
SATURDAY, MAY 12th
WWF Superstars of Wrestling
Oh, boy, Brother Love. My favorite! This week, the simpering vermilion toad welcomes Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire to the show, but not before reminding the fans of their humiliation suffered at the hands of “Macho King” Randy Savage and Sensational Queen Sherri. Dusty and Saph get a pretty big pop, but Love gets uncomfortably close to Sapphire’s face and starts ranting about her kissing Savage’s feet (supplemented with video replay).
After he’s done with Sapphire, he turns around and talks about “Brother Dream” crawling on all fours and kissing the feet of the royal couple. Dusty retorts by talking about AMERICANA. His dad was a plumber, which is news to me. When has Dusty ever brought THAT up?
Dusty also talks about Sapphire’s mother being a hotel maid, and how they represent what ‘MURICA is all about. He tells Savage and Sherri that NOBODY humiliates Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire in public, IF YOU WEEEEEELLL, BABY! Dues will be paid!
Dusty just about tells Love to kiss his ass, but he directs him to Sapphire, who nearly slaps the red makeup off his face! Dusty hides Sapphire behind him, and they whip the crowd into a frenzy as the segment ends.
It’s always good to see Love get some comeuppance, and Dusty delivered a fire promo here; probably one of the better ones of his WWF tenure.
We now catch up to Ravishing Rick Rude, who’s skipping rope at the gym. He’s got a fresh haircut, too. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan talks about Rude being the finest specimen of humanity, the greatest physical athlete in the world.
Heenan says it’s all over for the Ultimate Warrior, then Rude punches away at the heavy bag before telling us that training hasn’t been easy. NO AGONY, NO BRAGONY! He doesn’t really say last part, but he does tell us that the toughest part is yet to come. “Not all men are created equal”, notes Rude before reminding Warrior of his past successes against him.
This time, Rude will not only take the title, but he’ll break Warrior like a wild stallion. As a side-tangent, did anyone else keep screwing up the horsebreaking minigame in “Red Dead Redemption” until you realized that you were trying to use the wrong joystick, or was that just me?
He’ll put out the Warrior’s raging fire. He’s going to BUST WARRIOR UP!
Another great gym promo from Rude, and the new look is an immense improvement to his presentation. Rude and Heenan are doing yeoman’s work to try to make the title program with the Warrior viable, I’ll say that.
USWA Championship Wrestling (Memphis)
We kick off our USWA coverage with clips of Jerry “The King” Lawler (c) vs. Jimmy Valiant in a Stretcher match for the USWA Unified World Heavyweight Championship. This is from the May 5th Mid-South Coliseum show. Handsome Jimmeh chokes Lawler with a chair in the crowd, then with a microphone cord. Jimmy’s not messing about.
We clip to more punching and choking on the outside from Valiant, which is interrupted by Ronnie P. Gossett. Valiant socks Ronnie, then we clip to Valiant slugging Lawler with a chain, resulting in a tremendous bump and sell from the King. Valiant continues beating the crap out of both guys as Lawler is now busted open.
Jimmy gets a sleeper on the outside, but Gossett clubs him from behind. Big Ronnie P. hands Lawler a rag and a spray can of ether.
He sprays said either into said rag, then uses it to incapacitate Valiant. Jimmy cannot answer the ten count, so Lawler picks up the win and the title after much bullshittery.
Just to be more of a massive dick, Lawler assaults Jimmy while he’s on the stretcher, shoving the ether-soaked rag in his face as he’s being carried out.
Lawler now joins Dave Brown at the announce desk for some comments. The King says that what we saw wasn’t actually what happened.
Before we get an explanation, he brings out some DJ from Magic 101 radio and his masked bodyguard. They gift Lawler with a t-shirt, then Jerry explains that he’s the SMARTEST man in wrestling. He says his strategy was to take his time and let Jimmy punch himself out until he became exhausted and fell asleep. And that wasn’t ether that he used, but smelling salts! He was trying to wake Jimmy up! Lawler didn’t have any luck rousing Valiant from his slumber, so he just gave up and let him get carried off on the stretcher.
There’s another Stretcher match coming up, but Ronnie P. Gossett’s going to be locked in a cage that’s suspended 50 feet in the air. Lawler expresses doubt about how they’re going to pull that one off (as would anyone who even slightly dabbles in physics), but promises that Valiant will again leave on a stretcher.
Jerry then changes the top of discussion to Mother’s Day, which would be tomorrow at that time. He throws it to footage of him coming over to Jimmy Valiant’s mother’s house for an interview. Lawler walks to a dilapidated home with a wall of cinderblocks on the lawn, then sees a sign on that door that says the house was condemned she was at the laundromat.
He then catches up with Jimmy’s “mother” at said laundromat. She’s washing Valiant’s clothes as Lawler grills her about the house and walking three miles to the laundromat. She opens her Mother’s Day gifts, which include soap on a rope and dog food, then Lawler walks out in disgust.
We then go back to the studio, where Dave’s laughing and expressing disbelief at the legitimacy of that being Mother Valiant. Seconds later, Jimmy hurls a trash can at Lawler from off-camera, then runs in and beats the shit out of him! Jimmeh is PISSED.
He blasts Lawler for him making fun of the fans, then addresses the video. That lady was NOT his mother, and warns Lawler to NEVER talk about his mother. Valiant’s ma is no longer among us, and he encourages the fans in the studio and those watching to call their mothers tomorrow. See her, buy her something, take her out to dinner! Hell, do that every day, because there will come a day that she won’t be there anymore.
MONDAY NIGHT, it’ll be Lawler and Valiant one more time! No interference from the fat slob! Before he’s carried off on the stretcher, Lawler will say he’s sorry and will never talk about Jimmy’s mother again! MONDAY NIGHT!
This whole deal was a bit of a mixed bag. Valiant’s promo was FANTASTIC. The goofy, amiable Handsome Jimmy stayed home, allowing for a much more stark, passionate, and irate Jimmy. You do NOT slander the good name of Mama Valiant.
Lawler continues to be a colossal bastard, basically acting like Christian Cage, except he’s taking the piss out of departed mothers instead of dead daddies.
However, despite both guys playing their roles exceptionally, the fans are still cheering for the King over Valiant. The writing’s on the wall, and it’s in bold 128-point font: Jerry Lawler NEEDS to turn babyface with the quickness. That does eventually happen, and we’ll get into that later, but it should have happened much sooner.
Also, I love Dave Brown, but him chuckling at the skit kinda took away from the gravity of Valiant’s reaction.
NWA World Championship Wrestling
We catch up with Jim Ross as he brings Lex Luger out for an interview.
The Total Package says that it’s hot at Center Stage, but next week, it’ll be even hotter for Ric Flair at Capital Combat: RETURN OF ROBOCOP! He’s overcome everything Flair’s put in front of him, and his object has never been more crystal clear! Luger is FIRED UP, taking off his shirt as many high-pitched squeals emerge from the crowd.
IT’S PUT UP OR SHUT UP FOR LEX LUGER! He’s coming out the new World Champion!
Lex Luger was never someone I’d call a great promo, but this was a good, fiery babyface interview ahead of next week’s big match.
We now rejoin Good Ol’ JR, this time with the Four Horsemen (sans new member Sid Vicious).
Woman says that the manhunt is over, then Flair says that the Horsemen now have the ACE, the trump card! Flair states that Luger will bleed and end up the most embarrassed athlete alive, then brings a tuxedo-clad Sid into the frame.
He tells RoboCop that he’s 6’9”, 320 pounds, then screams that HE’S THE REAL MAN OF STEEL IN THE NWA, and he better learn to like it! Ole Anderson tells Ross that Flair will take out Lex, the Horsemen will take out Sting, and the “bucket of bolts” will fall to Sid. Barry Windham says they’ve amassed the true power of professional wrestling. From now on, the Horsemen dominate!
Arn Anderson tells us that, despite the city’s high crime rates, they’re bringing the VIOLENCE to Washington, and that “R2D2, Sting on one leg”, and Lex have no chance of beating the odds against the Horsemen. Naitch grabs the mic and immediately upgrades Sid to 6’10” and 350 pounds. The Horsemen will break Sting’s leg again! WOOO!
This was such a fun ensemble promo. Everyone got a chance on the stick and sold everything well. I absolutely adore the fact that, up to this point, Sid has only addressed RoboCop in his promos, not any actual wrestlers. Sid wearing his prom night best and bellowing threats towards a fictional crime-fighting cyborg is what dreams are made of.
USWA Championship Sports (Dallas)
Steve Austin vs. “Gentleman” Chris Adams - Closing out Part 33 is another edition of one of the hottest rivalries going.
Stunning Steve comes out to Van Halen’s “Runnin’ with the Devil”. Judging by the ol’ clock on the wall, it’s time for a MUSIC BREAK!
Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” ushers in the Gentleman, who, in ungentlemanlike fashion, sprints in and clobbers Steve from behind with a can of hairspray! Jeanie snatches the can, allowing Austin to slug Adams to kick off the match. Steve continues pounding away at Adams as Percy Pringle on commentary explains that Austin’s wearing a pair of Adams’ boots.
Austin hurls Adams out of the ring and continues the abuse on the floor. After an extended beatdown sesh, Stunning Steve tosses his quarry back in and heads upstairs for a splash, but Adams rolls out of the way! The Gentleman mounts his comeback with a superkick to the gut and a back body drop before ejecting Steve from the ring. Moments later, Adams bonks Austin over the head with a chair!
Adams then suplexes Austin back in…but Jeanie snatches his leg. Austin falls on top and covers for the three!
Post-match, Adams tries to exact some vengeance, but Jeanie hairsprays him right in the eyeballs. Stunning Steve pummels away at Adams, then calls Jeanie in for some free slaps!
Adams fights out and gives chase to the conniving couple as they run up the aisle to the back.
*1/2 - The match itself was pretty short, and the Warrior/Rude WrestleMania V finish wasn’t executed all that well, but it was still a decent little scrap. Austin’s still looking pretty raw, but there was some solid work in there from him. You can tell that he’s picking things up.
The post-match didn’t really break all that much new ground, but it keeps the issue alive. Even when resorting to shadier tactics like attacking Austin from behind, Adams still can’t quite get the better of his student and his ex.
There was an I Quit match on 5/18, but we don’t have access to it, unfortunately. We’ll definitely continue to see this feud escalate, though.
THE TUGBOAT TRIBUNE
As always, the news comes courtesy of Dave Meltzer and the Wrestling Observer Newsletter.
After a brief stint, the Minnesota Wrecking Crew II are donezo in the NWA and are returning to the AWA.
Meltzer tells us that the relatively-new Manami Toyota (or “Minami Toyoda” as he spelled it) has been looking great in her matches with Aja Kong.
I have a feeling those two will have some pretty good matches over the years.
Miss Elizabeth was put on the road to appear on house shows to see if the WWF can revitalize the live event numbers, but the gates continue to flag.
In USWA Dallas developments, Saturday TV tapings are drawing a scant 100 fans to the Sportatorium, paying $2 per ticket. As such, they’re considering going back to free tapings as the attendance for those shows was typically around 2,000 strong.
The reason for the larger attendance: the homeless shelter down the street. The people staying there would often attend the TV tapings as a means of cheap (well, free) entertainment.
NEXT TIME: A major development in All Japan Pro-Wrestling, our first Joshi match in a long time, another EMLL trios match, and MORE!
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