Ryan Navigates '90 - #15 (3/3)
HANDSOME JIMMEH is the people’s champion, YEAH! WOO! MEMPHO!
Good day!
It’s another Super Saturday at the Navigation! Like the last Saturday article, I hope you’re ready for more Jerry Lawler, because HOLY SHIT there is a lot of him here. There’s also an ungodly amount of Jimmy Valiant, so look forward to that. Plus, another set of Hogan and Warrior promos to build to WrestleMania VI, and a truly mixed bag of ICW television.
Unfortunately, we don’t have ROOS this time. Please don’t unsubscribe!
SATURDAY, MARCH 3rd
WWF Superstars of Wrestling
Hulk Hogan kicks us off by declaring that he almost had a close encounter of the ULTIMATE KIND, MAN! Him and the Ultimate Warrior been in each other’s faces and could have had WrestleMania already, but “The Big Dude Upstairs” knows that this is more important than the WWF Championship.
Warrior needs a direction with which to harness his power, but being WWF Champion is a 24-hour commitment! The Hulkamaniacs selected him! Hogan is worried that if he were to slip on God’s banana peel or something were to strike him down, the Warrior won’t know where to guide his little Warriors, possibly leading them into the darkness or careening off the edge of the earth, BROTHER.
Hulk can’t let Warrior run over Hulkamania, and he’ll roll over in his grave if the Warrior is on the wrong side of the fence. Hogan promises to make Warrior the ULTIMATE HULKAMANIAC at WrestleMania VI before closing with the usual. Not as batshit as “sweat from the devil’s armpit”, but still appropriately over the top for this kind of match.
Warrior begins his promo time with his back to the camera, snarling and growling like a psychopath before asking why HO KOGAN cannot communicate with him.
Why was HO KOGAN not talking to Warrior like the GOD HE SPEAKS OF? Warrior needs not the normals to protect him from what he finds most comforting: THE CHALLENGE OF PAIN! He keeps snorting like Bebop from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” as he claims to have injected HO KOGAN with the minimum amount of poison from the ULTIMATE WARYAH!
THE ANTIBODIES OF HULKAMANIA CONTINUE TO REFUSE WHAT THE POISON CAN DO. Warrior is the representation of all HO KOGAN fears. He challenges Hulk to be the warrior he can be, then asks HO KOGAN to walk with him. Look into nothingness! Look beyond your fears as you take that step and make the sacrifice so that the power of THE ULTIMATE WARYAH shall live.
They’re definitely giving Warrior a bit of a darker edge here, maybe setting him up as a subtle heel to give more antagonism to the face vs. face main event. More growling, snarling, and talking about poison than usual, and even the tassels and facepaint used a more muted palette instead of the fluorescence he normally dons. Warrior asking Hogan to talk to him the same way he would God is absolutely insane.
USWA Championship Wrestling (Memphis)
We kick off another week of Jerry “The King” Lawler antics with clips of him defending the Unified World Heavyweight Championship against Handsome Jimmy Valiant at the Mid-South Coliseum. This is likely from February 26th based on what happens here. Lawler, in his April O’Neil-yellow tights (another TMNT reference right away?), punches away at Valiant, but Handsome Jimmy is getting FIRED UP.
Valiant fires back, pounding away with rights as Lawler furiously reaches for a foreign object. Valiant fights him for it and eventually procures it himself! Jimmy socks Lawler with it as the King bumps like nuts, then the ref checks for the object and doesn’t find it on Valiant’s person.
The Boogie Woogie Man locks in a sleeper, but the ref gets bumped in the process! After Nate the Rat hands Lawler something, the King unleashes a huge fireball meant for Jimmy, but he torches the ref instead! That was a big sucker, almost Ricky Banderas-sized.
Valiant rolls Lawler up, and another ref runs in to count the pin! Jimmy Valiant is the new Unified Heavyweight Champion! Well, in Memphis anyway. As I detailed last time, this title change wasn’t recognized in the Dallas USWA branch, so Lawler was still considered the champion there.
We join Dave Brown as Lawler and Nate make their way to the commentary area. Brown gets a quality jab, saying that Christine Brinkley may call with some sympathies for the newly dethroned Lawler. Since the attack on Chris Champion last week, they’re left with but a couple of bar stools as their announcing set.
Lawler bitches about the lack of a set before calling up his friends at Royal Furniture and asking for a new desk and a chair ASAP. That’s a pretty creative way to use sponsorship.
Lawler says he wants Jimmy Valiant BAD because he has Lawler’s title. The King says that Valiant should have been disqualified for using the foreign object in the ring and Lawler himself should have been DQed for the fireball (so the title wouldn’t change hands). Brown suffers Lawler’s rantings enough before throwing it to a pretaped promo from the new champion.
Valiant (with a manager that I honestly don’t recognize but looks like a young Kenny Bolin with bleached hair) cuts a wild, wacky promo about winning the title from Jerry “The King” LOSER in MEMPHO, TENNESSEE! Valiant gets on his knees and expresses gratitude for the win. I kinda want that Adidas jersey.
We cut back to Jerry, Dave, and Nate. Lawler denies being in a bad mood before telling Handsome Jimmy that he’ll be a seven-day wonder as champion.
The fans boo the hell out of Lawler until he shuts up and pouts, then Dave throws it to another Valiant pre-tape. He shouts, “KING FISH?!?!? GOOOOOO FISH!”. That’s it.
We come back to the announce stools, where Nate the Rat leaves to get something for Jerry Lawler. We then get yet another short promo from “Handsome” Jimmy Valiant.
“KNOCK KNOCK!
WHO’S THERE?!?
THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION, YEAH! HANDSOME JIMMEH! MEMPHO! WOO!”
We return with Royal Furniture bringing in a new desk (albeit with a little difficulty because of the narrow doorway). The desk is brought into the studio as USWA CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING ROLLS ON…
…and we’re back with a recliner being moved in, also with challenges. They manage to get it through the door with some deft pivoting.
Lawler tells Brown to keep his barstool while he gets that sweet, sweet recliner.
We break from the Lawlerfest to check out a music video for the Southern Rockers (Rex King & Steve Doll). It’s set to Poison’s “Nothin’ But a Good Time” and features Doll and King doing their wrestle thing.
The Southern Rockers were another attempt to capture the female audience with a pretty-boy tag team, ala the Rock N’ Roll Express and the Rockers. The original iteration (Steve Doll & Scott Patterson) wrestled in Portland until Patterson left the territory. Doll continued the team with Rex King, then they left for Memphis in February 1990 and immediately won the tag belts from Robert Fuller & Brian Lee.
I only really saw them as Well Dunn in the WWF, and an extended feud with mid-90’s Bushwhackers isn’t exactly a fair way to assess their talents. The footage did make them seem like a solid tandem from what I could tell, so the video did its job.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Ryan, it’s been a couple of minutes without a Jimmy Valiant pre-tape! Stop holding out on us!”. Well, fear not, my babies. Ryan's got you.
HANDSOME JIMMEH IS THE PEOPLE'S CHAMPION! MEMPHO!
It’s the last one for this week, though, so make it last.
We return to Dave and the King, as Nate the Rat has returned with a heaping chocolate pie and a glass of milk, which is a sure cure for the blues. That is a monstrous mound of meringue. I think we just found the source of The Great Tennessee Meringue Deficit of 1990.
Lawler does not appreciate anyone talking about his personal life, and if he wants something, he’ll ASK for it. Lawler says that deep down, Nate wanted that pie for himself, then he throws his slice in Mr. The Rat’s face! Rude! He then throws Dave’s piece, then the rest of the damn thing, into his servant’s face!
And because you can't have chocolate pie without a tall, cold glass of milk, Lawler tosses THAT into Nate’s face! Lawler’s in a much better mood now, so I guess Nate’s plan kinda worked in a “monkey’s paw” sort of way. Dave chides Lawler for wrecking the studio for the second week in a row, but Nate has reached his breaking point and QUITS! His momma told him he wasn’t going to be a slave!
Lawler demands that Nate clean up the mess, and that he can’t quit because he’ll be fired! Lawler shoves Nate, so Nate shoves him back! The fans liked that one.
Lawler hauls off and beats the crap out of Nate, including a chairshot to the head. Eddie Marlin comes out to break up the fracas, finally getting Lawler off of Nate. Really good segment to further cement what an unrepentant asshole Lawler is. Brawling on a bare studio floor that’s been greased up with pie and milk is a hell of a gamble, though. That’s a shredded knee waiting to happen.
We return with Dave Brown and a big-ass mess in the announce area. Chris Champion comes out after last week’s attack, which resulted in a concussion and a couple of compressed vertebrae. I’m honestly shocked they didn’t have him out longer to sell the brutality of the assault. Again, that hair is WILD.
Champion’s been beat up before, but not to the extent that Lawler did last week. He says that Lawler tried to KILL HIM, recapping everything that was done to him last Saturday. The doctors told him that if he took one more blow to the head, he’ll be dead. That sounds pretty grim. Champion is going to GET Lawler, whether it be at the mall or the 7-Eleven. Speaking of the King, he strolls out as Brown tells him to leave it be.
Lawler says he’ll respect the doctor’s orders but tells Champion he needs another doctor, because in order to have a concussion, you need a brain first! Lawler doesn’t want the death of Chris Champion to be on his hands but warns him that he shouldn’t have come to a wrestling show as he might get hit by accident. I mean, Lawler’s got a point.
Lawler teases a punch to the head before SLAPPING CHAMPION IN THE FACE! Lawler puts the boots to him, then whacks him with a chair to the back! The King rips the neckbrace off and blasts him with a right. He rolls Champion into the ring and attempts a piledriver on a chair, but he’s stopped by security and Eddie Marlin, who threatens to fire Lawler from the USWA if he goes through with it.
Lawler opts not to piledrive Champion but picks him up and again assaults him with fists and the chair. Champion convulses in the ring while Marlin and security attempt to stop Lawler. Dave calls for some wrestlers to come out, and the locker room empties to calm the situation down and get Champion out of there. Lawler grabs one of the barstools and hurls it at Champion on the way out as we hear loud shrieks in the crowd. Incredible hater energy, and another great segment with Lawler.
Holy crap, we get a match! It’s our only one in this article.
Jerry Lawler vs. Ken Raper - That is a rather unfortunate surname for Kenneth. Raper spent a lot of time in Memphis, mostly as a jobber, and had several WWF enhancement appearances.
Lawler opts to wrestle this one in his street clothes. Jerry chokes Raper out and drops a fist from the second rope for the quick pin.
Lawler continues assaulting the poor bloke on the floor as we cut to commercial (and the end of the USWA coverage).
Holy crap, this was some HEAVY Jerry Lawler saturation, but again, it continues to be REALLY entertaining. Lawler is a ridiculous egomaniac, among MANY other things that I won’t get into here, but he’s making storylines about furniture and chocolate pie into great television.
The only complaint I may have is that the Champion stuff could have been saved for next week as Lawler was doing enough with the other storylines. Having all of that in one episode is laying it thicker than meringue on chocolate pie.
NWA World Championship Wrestling
Jim Ross and Jim Cornette argue over the results of WrestleWar’s main event title match before throwing it to an interview with Lex Luger, conducted by Gordon Solie immediately after the contest. Solie asks if Luger realizes what he did, and Luger responds by saying that he does everything HIS way, and that the next chapter between him and Ric Flair is the last!
Moments later, we throw it back to Solie, who is with Flair and Woman. Woman claims that if Luger couldn’t get it done tonight, he’ll NEVER get it done! Flair says that he is Luger’s master and Sting’s master, then says that Sting was VERY close to losing his injured leg. Flair says that if Luger rides with Sting, he’ll die with Sting! If you hang with Sting, you get hurt. Flair WOOs to close it out.
Good Ol’ JR confirms that a rematch has been signed. As discussed last week, the rematches were set for live house shows in order to fuel ticket sales.
Don’t forget to send Sting your best wishes (and get put on the WCW mailing list)!
International Championship Wrestling
We start off with Tony Atlas, who growls before calling out Rochester Roadblock (yep, the same Roadblock from WCW!). He’s an overgrown monkey that got himself pumped full of STEROOOIIIIIIDS.
He also calls out Tom Prichard, who makes him want to vomit (complete with exaggerated puking motion and sounds). Dr. Tom won’t be winning the ICW title, but he’ll instead earn “good whuppin’”. Tony closes it out with a goofy laugh, like Elmer Fudd or a “One Piece” villain. Audio quality wasn’t all that, but this was another great, unhinged heel promo.
Next, we have the Diamond District with Diamond Jim Brady. His guest du jour is the Pink Assassin. Before he comes out, we get clips of Assassin headscissoring and gouging at his opponent while really odd synthesizer music plays, like the kind that would play before an 80’s horror anthology series. Assassin looks like a Putty from “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers”.
The clips also see him getting his butt kicked by a guy wearing tights that say “Looking Good” on the arse. The jobber would look at home in a bad Mungo Jerry cover band.
The Assassin finishes what was probably a terrible match with a swinging neckbreaker, a kneedrop, and a very suggestive pin. Diamond Jim introduces the Assassin as someone he’ll have to “straighten out”, then Pinkie prances onto the set as he’s basically the super-gay archetype cranked up to eleven.
Jim asks him if he came from San Francisco, but Assassin says he comes from Fire Island, then implies that Jim, with his cowboy hat and outfit, might have spent some time there. Oh, that won’t go well for Pink.
Jim tells Assassin to keep his hands off him, but Assassin keeps pointing at him and booping him. Jim says that he knows nothing about wrestling, but Pink retorts with, "You don't know a wristlock from a wristwatch? How does that sound, sassy?".
Assassin keeps poking and prodding the big angry cowboy, so Jim beats the shit out of him with his hat. Jim pounds the snot out of Assassin, puts him over his shoulder, SPANKS HIM, and carries him off. Jim was the BABYFACE here.
I honestly cannot understate how much I don’t miss homophobia in my wrestling. I’m not going to go into a long tangent or anything, but I’m very glad that wrestling has, for the most part, evolved past this kind of bullshit.
Assassin, played by US indie man Bob Shoup, worked as ICW’s Wrestling School Dropout character before this one. Wrestling School Dropout was created by Paul Heyman/Paul E. Dangerously during his brief booking stint in ICW, and the gimmick would apparently serve as the basis for a much more successful character in Heyman’s later Extreme Championship Wrestling: Mikey Whipwreck.
We get another Tony Atlas promo! This time, Big Tone is shirtless against the green screen. He explains what it means to be a champion. He reels off a list of wrestlers who will never know, such as Cowboy Bob Orton, Joe Savoldi, Tim Prichard, Vic Steamboat, among others.
To find out what it’s like to be champion, you have to walk down that road, walk down that aisle, BY YOURSELF, and at the end, there’s no rainbow, son. There’s only 285 pounds of STEEL. To be a champion, it’s got nothing to do with strength, nor the size of the man in the fight. It’s about the size of the FIGHT in the man. Another very strong promo from someone who wasn’t necessarily known for their prowess on the mic.
We now cut to Paul E. Dangerously at the desk with Bob Dow. Dow runs down a card for March 31st in Philadelphia that includes Terry Gordy vs. Bam Bam Bigelow in a steel cage Battle of the Bam Bams and “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff (pronounced “Orndoff” by Dow) vs. “The Universal Heartthrob” Austin Idol. That sounds like a neat card, honestly.
Dangerously then cuts an impassioned promo, putting over Orndorff rebuilding his reputation before telling him he made a big mistake by putting out an open contract. Dangerously, who previously took care of the Sammartino family, promises that Cheetah Kid and Leopard Mask will fall to the Lethal Weapons, and original Dangerous Alliance member and Memphis legend Austin Idol will take out Mr. Wonderful.
Paul E. then throws it to a music video for Idol, set to David Lee Roth’s “Shy Boy”. We get clips of him punching people, flexing, posturing, and working out. This was probably borrowed from Memphis, but it’s an effective way to build hype for his arrival in the territory.
We now jump back to Bob Dow, who is with Paul E. Dangerously & The Lethal Weapons (Steve Blackman & Steve Blackman Doug Gilbert & Dennis Condrey). Dangerously says that he was fired from the NWA left Atlanta because he wanted to find the greatest tag team on the planet, which he believes is Condrey and Gilbert. He puts them over huge, saying they’re the greatest tag team he’s managed despite a laundry list of other great teams he’s handled over the years. Paul E. says he’s not going to be Captain Lou Albano and automatically claim his newest team is the best, but he explains the merits of both guys (despite not liking Doug).
They’re not a family or a stable. They’re an ALLIANCE. A DANGEROUS ALLIANCE! Heyman is one hell of a hype man if nothing else.
We finish it off with a vignette that gives us a fairly early glimpse of Diamond Dallas Page. He was still firmly a manager at this point, having worked stints in the AWA and the Professional Wrestling Federation in Florida. He introduces himself as the “Chairman of the Diamond Exchange” and drops a series of catchphrases and buzzwords while his Diamond Dolls pose in front.
That’s a pretty sweet Skid Row shirt, I’ll give him that. DDP claws at some Diamond Doll butt before directing threats to Paul E. Dangerously. Page is looking to avenge an attack by Paul E. and the Lethal Weapons in Florida, so he’s on his way to THE ICW, BABY. It’ll be a BADD DAY at the beach for the Lethal Weapons, likely referencing his AWA team, Badd Company (Pat Tanaka & Paul Diamond).
Restraint wasn’t exactly on the menu for DDP as he was very “extra” here, as the kids say nowadays. He’d get better on the stick.
Now it's time for THE TUGBOAT TRIBUNE!
As always, the news comes courtesy of Dave Meltzer and the Wrestling Observer Newsletter.
The Great Muta starts immediately for New Japan Pro-Wrestling.
I’d say that it works out for him.
Hulk Hogan has a line of vitamins coming out!
I’ll let you make your own jokes.
Matt Borne, not happy with a couple of young female hecklers who gave him a hard time when he was doing interviews for USWA television, decided to grab a cup of hot coffee and spill it on them.
Well, he was always was kind of a dick.
Tully Blanchard update: After getting lowballed by the NWA, he’ll be working a future set of AWA tapings.
NEXT TIME: AJPW action, more Hogan/Warrior promos, Hogan wrestles Dino Bravo, tons of USWA Dallas, and more!
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