Ryan Navigates '90 - #47 (6/23)
🎵 Take me to the river, slam me in the water... 🎵
Good day!
It’s another Saturday Special here at the Navigation, and it’s a doozy.
The Ultimate Warrior is creepy and insane, the WWF acts like Hulk Hogan is dead, a new USWA Unified World Heavyweight Champion is crowned, Leon Spinks bewilders, John Tatum blesses us with poetry and good vibes, Jeff Jarrett gets hot sauce rubbed in his eyes, and Terry Funk and Stan Hansen battle on a New Jersey riverbank.
Strap in, folks.
SATURDAY, JUNE 23rd
WWF Superstars of Wrestling
FROM THE PAGES OF THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION MAGAZINE, HERE’S UPDATE!
“Mean” Gene Okerlund is still wearing his Hulk Hogan FRIENDSHIP BRACELET, alongside millions of fans. The Hulkster is on the mend, thanks to all the cards and letters. You can still send your well-wishes to Hulk! Remember, it’s P.O. Box 911!
Gene then throws it to a music video, with clips of Hogan posing and kicking ass set to Rick Derringer’s iconic “Real American”. “HULK RULES” flashes on the screen every few seconds like a red-and-yellow subliminal message.
The video then transitions to footage of Earthquake demolishing Hogan on the Brother Love Show. To REALLY lay it on thick, a sad, classical version of “Real American” then plays over vintage Hogan footage. This is amazing.
It then clips back to Earthquake squishing the Hulkster as horrified kids look on, and the music changes to something resembling what plays when Bowser kidnaps Peach during the intro for Super Mario RPG.
It then moves on to clips of Hogan and his friends, such as Tugboat, Ultimate Warrior, and Miss Elizabeth.
We then again see Hogan getting stretchered out while a little girl with a Hulk Hogan friendship bracelet clutches her Hogan teddy bear. We then get a closing zoom-in of Hulk Hogan’s locker with his shirt, bandana, and cross hung up. You know, the kind of thing that athletes do for deceased teammates.
HOLY SHIT. This was so stupid, overwrought, and heavy-handed that it actually went all the way around and became awesome. The WWF, when firing on all cylinders, were absolutely untouchable when it comes to manipulative schmaltz. This made the Shawn Michaels “Tell Me a Lie” video look like an exercise in restraint.
As an aside, I’m really happy that they didn’t center the Hogan/Quake feud around the friendship bracelets.
This week on the Brother Love Show, he begrudgingly introduces this week’s guest, the Ultimate Warrior. WARYAH comes out again with minimal facepaint as he circles Love.
Brother Love asks Brother Ultimate about Ravishing Rick Rude defeating him previously for the Intercontinental title, to which Warrior talks about ripping off the scar tissue from battles long ago. THE POISON WILL FLOW AGAIN, and the Ultimate Warrior and his Warriors will be left with even more of an ULTIMATE POWER.
Brother still claims that Rude will be the next WWF Champion, and he’ll be a champion of LOVE. Warrior then asks Brother what he knows about “love”. If it wasn’t for the love the Warriors have for him, he wouldn’t be world champion! He can hardly breathe because of all the love the fans give him. He should probably see a doctor about that.
Warrior then beckons a young fan to come out. Said fan, bedecked in Warrior gear and matching facepaint, sprints to the stage and into WARYAH’s embrace. The youngster introduces herself as “Amanda Ultimate Warrior”. That’s quite the moniker.
Brother Love cannot understand the intensity of the reciprocal love between Ultimate Warrior and his Warriors! The biggest muscle in his body is his heart, which beats for the Warriors! Again, he really should seek medical attention. These does not sound like the ramblings of a healthy man.
Warrior then asks Amanda Ultimate Warrior to flex. She then does a cartwheel at his behest. Warrior gets right next to her face and tells her that he loves her. THIS IS ULTIMATE LOVE!
This was really, really strange. It felt like another effort to try to humanize Warrior so that kids and families aren’t put off by him, but this was just bizarre and ham-fisted. It also doesn’t help that a few seconds before he trotted out the young plant, Warrior was ranting about poison and other nonsense.
USWA Championship Wrestling (Memphis)
We get some Mid-South Coliseum footage of Jerry “The King” Lawler (c) vs. The Snowman for the USWA Unified World Heavyweight Championship. As discussed in the last Saturday Special, former world heavyweight champ Leon Spinks is the special ref this time.
Snowman punches away in the corner, but Lawler wrestles him down into a pinning combination. However, Spinks isn’t counting the pin, but is instead trying to break the cover for some reason. Spinks throws Lawler off, then Snowman backs the King into the corner. Lawler catches Snowman with a quick jab, then Spinks again pulls the King away.
Lawler shoves Spinks away and goes back to box with Snowman…but Spinks spins him around and clocks him with a right hand! Snowman gets his own haymaker and covers Lawler for the pin and the championship!
Not content with having finally won the title after numerous attempts, Snowman continues stomping and beating Lawler after the bell. This definitely didn’t feel like a big babyface crowning moment that they seemed to be building to the last few weeks. The crowd was booing Spinks’ lousy officiating, and rightfully so. It’s not like Lawler did anything illegal or worthy of Spinks’ acrimony, unless something happened earlier in the match that wasn’t captured in the clips.
Michael St. John (substituting for the vacationing Dave Brown this week) brings Lawler out for a chat. The King comes out with an airbrushed “LEON STINKS” t-shirt, with an exaggerated number of missing teeth.
Lawler addresses Snowman, who is still sitting in the crowd. He says Snowman must be glad that he finally got what he wanted after coming out 3-4 weeks ago looking for a handout, “just like somebody standing in the welfare line”. That gets a huge reaction from the audience.
Lawler says Spinks is why Snowman has the belt around his waist. Well, he’s not wrong. The King then asks the fans surrounding Snowman to stand up, then he tells Snowman to look them in the eyes and tell them he legitimately won the championship. Lawler tells Snowman to get as many pictures with the title as possible because he won’t have it for very long.
St. John then asks Lawler about the match he has with Leon Spinks this coming Monday night at the MSC. Jerry says that, even though Spinks knocked out 133 opponents and beat Muhammad Ali in 1978, nobody steals Lawler’s title away from him.
Once he’s done with “Leon Stinks”, he’s going back after Snowman. St. John then throws it to pre-recorded comments from Spinks himself. Leon, with his dentures in, says that Lawler must have a DEATH WISH in order to challenge him.
It’s kind of tough to understand what he’s saying because he’s trying to talk through false teeth, and he’s never been the most gifted orator. He does bring up beating Muhammad Ali and says that he’ll have his gloved fist in Lawler’s face this coming Monday. The fans will see the REAL comeback of Leon Spinks!
This thing just…keeps going as we now get Lawler’s picture-in-picture reaction, which is pretty funny. Spinks talks about pounding that head and that body, then asks if Lawler is ready to go to the hospital.
Back to the studio, Lawler cracks wise at Spinks’ speech and tells him his teeth will be rolling around on the floor like Chiclets. Spinks, who will be wearing boxing gloves for the match on Monday, will have no chance at a comeback after Lawler knocks him out. After that, Snowman is next!
So, yeah, the Lawler/Snowman angle continues to chug along with Spinks along for the ride. The crowd felt more split as Lawler did have a legitimate gripe with the officiating.
Also, that Spinks promo sure was something else. It was also clearly edited, and the idea of what was left on the cutting room floor horrifies me.
We close out Memphis with some clips of Spinks vs. Ali from 1978, which is pretty cool. I’m not sure if they had permission to use this footage, but whatever.
After some action from one of the later rounds, it jumps to footage of the decision. Everyone in the ring goes apeshit as Spinks is announced as the new champion via split decision after 15 rounds. This was a MASSIVE upset at the time as Spinks only had 7 pro fights before this and Ali was, well, Muhammad Ali.
USWA Championship Sports (Dallas)
“Stunning” Steve Austin and Jeanie make their way to ringside to speak with Percy Pringle. They discuss a match that happened last night between Austin and Chris Adams, where Austin received assistance from someone in a black wig. Steve brushes that aside for now and calls out Chris for bringing his “bimbo tramp wife”, Toni, to ringside with him when Austin didn’t bring Jeanie with him.
Austin then claims that Jeanie showed up with a black wig in order to prevent Adams from pummeling him with a foreign object. Austin accepts the challenge for a mixed tag team match for next week before giving the mic to Jeanie, who runs down Toni and says she’s been getting fan mail from the many husbands out there who adore her.
Jeanie challenges Toni to face her anytime, anywhere. Austin then tells matchmaker John Brozell to bring the contract out while he’s pummeling the punk in the ring.
Steve Austin vs. Khris Germany - It’s spelled “Chris” in the pre-match graphic, but it’s normally spelled with a K. He spent time over the years doing enhancement work for the WWF and plying his trade in various US indies. He retired in 2019 and does stand-up comedy nowadays.
Austin clobbers Germany from behind and pummels away in the corner.
Germany reverses an Irish whip, but Austin ducks a blind charge and hits a nice release German suplex. A GERMAN suplex…on Khris GERMANY.
Austin quickly ends the match with a flying shoulderblock, but the abuse continues at ringside. Jeanie even gets some free shots in while Bronco Lubich feebly tries to stop the madness.
NEVERMIND THAT SHIT! HERE COMES JOHN BROZELL!
With contract in hand, Brozell grabs the house mic and tells Austin to stop the beating. Big John tells Steve to sign the contract or leave the building. Austin and Jeanie put pen to paper, then the Adamses run down for a big brawl at ringside! The action spills into the ring until Austin hits a low blow, allowing him and Jeanie to escape.
Chris and Toni return to ringside to sign the contract. Toni grabs the mic and says it’s OVER for Jeanie, “sweetheart”!
This was more great, heated stuff from this feud. There’s a chaotic energy about this storyline that makes it really fun to watch, especially when the women mix it up. I’m definitely invested in seeing the future mixed tag matches. The squash itself was a good showing for a growing Austin.
We jump into Jeff Jarrett pounding away at The Dog of War, finishing him off with a sloppy small package.
After the pin, Sweet Daddy Falcone, Gary Young, and the [Tom Araya voice] ANGEL OF DEEAAAAAAAAAATHHHHHH run in to defend the honor of Devastation Inc. Jarrett fights everyone off by himself like it’s 2000’s TNA, with the funniest aspect being Angel of Death standing in place acting dizzy, like he was waiting to be hit with a Mortal Kombat fatality.
Chico Torres then comes in and grabs some hot sauce that was at ringside, left over from a birthday party held earlier this evening to celebrate Devastation Inc.
Torres dips his hand in the jar and rubs it into Jarrett’s eyes! Double J writhes in pain and continues getting worked over until Billy Joe Travis runs in for the save. Travis then uses a towel and some water to try to reduce the stinging.
I find it amusing that literal hot sauce was used to heat up a feud, but DevInc is still a gaggle of geeks at this point. Also, with the popularity of “Hot Ones” in our modern culture, I’m surprised that hot sauce hasn’t made a comeback as a weapon.
Next, we hear from “Superstar” Bill Dundee and Tessa. Before the interview starts, though, Percy hands Tessa a package he just received from FedEx. She’s reluctant to open it in front of everyone.
Superstar then speaks to “Hollywood” John Tatum, that “long drink of water”. Dundee says Tatum is still sick in the head, and that if she treated Tessa like a lady in the first place, she’d still be with him, BROTHER.
Dundee then brags about having a belt AND Tessa, which puts him above Tatum in the pecking order. He gives Tessa a smooch before walking off while Pringle continues to beg Tessa to open the package. Nice, fired-up promo from Dundee. There’s something about Superstar that makes him fun to listen to.
We jump to John Tatum, who lets slip that he sent Tessa a necklace before correcting himself to say that whoever sent her the package must be a rich man who LOVES her!
Tatum says that if he’s a “long drink of water”, that makes Dundee “a sip”! Oh, got his ass. Great facial from Pringle here.
Last week, Tatum knocked Dundee out with a punch that Leon Spinks apparently taught him. Next week, Tatum says that Dundee has to put his Southern Heavyweight Championship on the line, then he promises Tessa that he loves her so much! He even wrote a poem!
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue
Tessa
I love you!”
A beautiful, moving verse, as if it were penned with a quill plucked directly from an angel’s wing. Eat shit, Walt Whitman.
Tatum continues to profess his love for Tessa and promises to beat Dundee to death. Tatum says he worked hard on other poems, and he’s working hard on his wrestling. He even quit drinking, and he’s sleeping good! He’s got a tan and his hair did! Tatum loves Tessa more than anything! Please come back!
“Hollywood” John Tatum vs. Bubba Fangman - With a name like “Bubba Fangman”, I was expecting some sort of redneck vampire. Like Gangrel, but he drinks blood from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup. Sadly, in reality, he’s a fairly normal jobberman who was a “top graduate” from the Chris Adams Wrestling School. Fangy didn’t have a long career, with his most recent match on Cagematch.net happening in 1993.
Before the match, Tatum hugs the cameraman and Percy a couple of times (which Purse really seemed to enjoy), borrows a cowboy hat from a ringside fan, and hugs the ring girls.
He tries to hug Bubba, but the Man of Fang isn’t having it. Tatum hugs Bronco, albeit with much resistance. The other cameraman gets a hug! Hollywood offers a handshake to Fangman, which turns into a hug.
Fangman actually takes Tatum over with an armdrag, prompting another handshake. What a good sport. Tatum gets his own armdrag and another handshake, then continues to proclaim that he’s a changed man.
The fans chant something at him as Tatum hits a bodyslam, picks him up, and shakes his hand again! You can sense the crowd is getting under Hollywood’s skin.
Bubba gets his own bodyslam, leading to another handshake. Tatum goes for an armbar, but Bubba reverses out. Yet another handshake ensues, then Tatum drives Fangman down with an armbar, which leads to another reversal by Fangman. Tatum offers one more handshake…then kicks Fangman in the gut! Oh, got his ass.
Tatum nails Fangman with the California Kick, then he applies a cobra clutch, referred to by its Japanese name, the shinin no maki, by Percy on commentary. Well, he kinda butchers the pronunciation, but points for effort.
That nets Tatum the win in a very entertaining little enhancement match. Tatum continues to be one of the best things from 1990. The pre-match promo and the character work during the match were top-notch; the perfect mix of hilarious and disturbing.
As an aside, Percy playing it relatively straight as a solo commentator and interviewer is kind of odd, especially given how over the top heelish he’d been during the recent Von Erich feud. He does a decent job of calling the action and getting the storylines over, though.
WWA Rumble On The River
We welcome yet another small indie promotion to the Navigation, with New Jersey’s World Wrestling Association making an appearance. Owned by Larry Sharpe and Dennis Corralluzzo, WWA was founded in 1988…and I really can’t find much more information on it, other than it became inactive in 1998.
WWA seemed to be able to get some big names on their shows, including workers from abroad, legends from the past looking for a quick payday, and wrestlers contracted to the national promotions. For example, on 9/27/97 (the final documented show on Cagematch.net), Jimmy Snuka beat King Kong Bundy, the Headbangers lost a match to the Himalaya Playas, and the main event was Mick Foley (under the Dude Love gimmick) battling ECW’s Balls Mahoney to a double-countout.
The contest we’re looking at today is likely the one match people remember from this promotion. The show title is literal as it’s taking place outdoors next to a river bank in New Jersey. I’m not entirely sure which river it is, but the show took place in Pennsauken, so I’m going to guess that it’s Pennsauken Creek, which is a tributary of the Delaware.
Being a small indie from around this time, this one had no commentary, but surprisingly had multiple cameras capturing the action.
Terry Funk vs. Stan Hansen - These two Texans have definitely crossed paths many times before, mostly in All-Japan Pro Wrestling throughout the 1980s.
Terry, bastion of sanity, walks around ringside throwing chairs into the ring at a bullrope-wielding Hansen. Seconds later, Hansen blisters Funk with a chop before blasting him with a chair in the ring.
The action spills out to the floor (well, grass) as Hansen continues plastering his foe with chops. Funk takes some time to compose himself before re-entering, but Hansen waits for him with more choppage.
Funk fires back with headbutts and elbows before tossing Hansen to the outside for some more abuse.
Both guys trade blows, with Funk getting the upper hand with chops. However, Hansen reverses a whip, resulting in Funk taking a crazy corner bump and getting sent to the outside.
Back in, the punching and heatbutting resumes. Funk goes for a piledriver, but Hansen backdrops out of it. Funk counters a back body drop with a kick, then it’s to the outside as they go down to the river…
🎵 …and into the river, we'd dive
Oh, down to the river, we'd ride 🎵
Funk bonks Hansen with a chair, but Hansen fights back. They continue brawling with Terry teasing falling into the drink. Funk soon applies the spinning toe hold RIGHT next to the water! That’s awesome.
However, Hansen boots him off, sending Terry into what is probably a heavily-polluted river/creek! Oh, shit. Funk crawls out, only for Hansen to slam him right back in! Rude!
Hansen goes to bash him with a chair, but Funk comes back by tossing clumps of mud into Stan’s face. The camera loses both guys for a while, but we eventually return to Funk chairing Hansen, forcing the Lariat to retreat to the back. The official decision is a disqualification win for Terry Funk.
As Funk makes his way to the back, Hansen returns and the brawl continues to the trailer area. Hansen harasses Terry, who locked himself in a trailer, but he eventually makes entry after someone opened the door to throw water on him. Hansen bullropes Funk’s neck, but Terry soon fights back.
After some more brawling, Hansen finds refuge in another trailer and keeps The Funker at bay with the bullrope until Terry leaves and the show ends.
**1/4 - For the most part, the match was fine, but not exactly anything beyond the bare minimum you’d expect from these two. However, the spots involving the river were great, and the post-match brawl in the trailer area was pretty entertaining.
Terry was insane for taking multiple bumps into the creek, but in all honesty, there was no way Funk WASN’T going to use a unique setting to endanger his health in a whole new way. Bless that man.
THE TUGBOAT TRIBUNE
As always, the news comes courtesy of Dave Meltzer and the Wrestling Observer Newsletter.
Sgt. Slaughter may be coming into the WWF as a heel character.
Oh, geez.
Shane Douglas is now on the WWF house show loop as a preliminary wrestler.
The Ultimate Warrior drawing woes continue, with the peak of the “A” tour being 6,000 fans in Indianapolis.
It’s so dire that a mixed tag with Randy Savage & Sensational Sherri vs. Dusty Rhodes & Sapphire drew 8,400 in San Francisco. Yes, Sweet Sapphire is outdrawing the Ultimate Warrior.
The WWF’s solution for the “A” tour? Switch the main event to Ultimate Warrior & Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake vs. Rick Rude & Mr. Perfect.
I don’t see that changing the Fed’s fortunes.
NEXT TIME: Ten-man tag team action from NJPW, and more!
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I thought The Genius wrote some great poetry, but he had nothing on Tatum, apparently.
Haven’t seen enough Percy Pringle but he seems fun. As crazy as the whole storyline was, I thought he was really strong as a heel in the buildup to Kane debuting. Finally got a chance to do his thing again.